Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
