A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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