I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
