I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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