I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
