Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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