her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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