I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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