my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
