the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
