he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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