So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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