Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
