I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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