I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
