i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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