he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The best revenge is premature balding
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
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