My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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