There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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