you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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