I smell stomach acid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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