Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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