He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
