I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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