I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
