Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
