So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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