yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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