her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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