Pants 0. Shit 1.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize