Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
where are my eyebrows?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
