he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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