fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
