I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
