I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
