Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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