I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
