She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
