Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
