I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize