I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize