If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
