somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
