i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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