Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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