i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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