separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize