I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
