Pants 0. Shit 1.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
