And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize