Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
