I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
