god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
