he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
