Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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