I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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