I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
