dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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